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the perfect video game
Sep. 7th, 2025 03:30 pmI'm thinking of the perfect video game.
This game has a robust character creator that lets me adjust not only my character's physical appearance in precise detail, making them look like David Bowie or Zooey Deschanel or some sort of goblin creature or whatever else, but also their personality, likes, dislikes, and every neurosis, all without being too complicated or time consuming. There are a number of races to choose from, all with their own unique perks that significantly alter how the game is played, and these races are neither derivative nor offensive. This game has a graphical style that can be toggled between photorealism, semi-realism, anime, cartoony, voxel, 3D, 2D, 2.5D, ASCII, watercolor-like, oil painting-like, polygonal, and non-Euclidean, or whatever aesthetic thing I happen to be into at the time, all through a UI that is both complex and simple to use while being minimalist to the point where I don't even notice it during gameplay. Everything is intuitive and I never once need to consult a GameFAQs walkthrough. This game has an open world that is incredibly vast but also streamlined in such a way that I don’t feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of places to go and things to do. There is the ability to fast travel but the world is so dynamic and beautiful that I never feel the need to do so. This game has NPCs that drop subtle hints about where to go next and how to complete quests in ways that make me feel like a genius when I figure them out. The box comes with a full-color paper manual explaining both the background story and mechanics of the game, and it also includes a dope-ass poster and stickers. This game has a class system with literally hundreds of options, none of which are frivolous or redundant, and I can create my own class by mixing and matching different attributes, from combat prowess to magical aptitude to social skills to whatever else I can think of, all without having to worry about min-maxing my stats because it just doesn't matter due to the fair and balanced combat difficulty which is just frustrating enough to feel rewarding no matter which build I play. There are no loot crates or microtransactions whatsoever. This game has a story that is both deep and shallow, both exciting and mellow, both coherent and incoherent, both unique and derivative, both philosophical and dumb as hell, and it all passes the Bechdel test. The lore is labyrinthine in its complexity while being neither pretentious nor confusing. Space can be traveled and other planets can be visited. The combat system can be toggled between real-time, turn-based, and tactical grid-based depending on my preference. This game has quests that go beyond simply "fetch ten bear pelts” or “kill this dude” or “walk here and interact with this thing.” The music is simply phenomenal, period. This game has multiplayer components that do not feel as if they were just tacked on last minute to check some boxes for a corporate focus group. There is no AI-generated content whatsoever. The controls are simple but allow for all sorts of crazy-as-fuck maneuvers that are both visually appealing and haptically satisfying. This game features supporting characters ranging from bishonen heartthrobs to awe-inspiringly cool anti-heroes to frog knights with swords to women who are not sex objects to cybernetic ninjas with severe psychological problems to wise Gandalf-esque wizards to cloak-wearing broody goths with guns to dope-ass villains who flip sides at the last minute to hardasses with hearts of gold to gender-fluid individuals who don't feel like token characters and even a humanoid monkey with an extending staff that rides on a cloud a la Wukong from Journey to the West, also Sephiroth because why the hell not. All of these characters can be tastefully romanced. This game presents me with tough ethical choices at key moments in the plot, and these choices change the way the story unfolds in profound ways, and there are literally thousands of these choices throughout the game, like some sprawling, encyclopedic choose-your-own-adventure novel, yet there is never this feeling like I fucked up or am going to get the bad ending or whatever. The fanbase is rabid but never gatekeepy or cringe. This game features a fully customizable player-housing system with which I can build anything I want, from Dracula’s castle to a lavish mansion with room to display all my treasures, of which there are many, to a run-down trailer meth lab to a tree-house-hideaway type thing to my grandma’s old house where I spent my childhood summers. The enemies range from monsters inspired by various ancient mythologies to CEOs of multinational for-profit health insurance companies to home appliances possessed by ghosts to democratically elected presidents who also happen to be fascists to nigh-omniscient beings like YHWH bent on resetting the universe because humanity has strayed from the divine path or whatever and of course good old-fashioned pirates and bandits and stuff, all of which can be reasoned with and pacified through peaceful discourse given my character has enough points in the Philosophy and Literacy skill trees. This game can be played on pretty much any device with zero performance issues. There is a companion system with which I can become best friends with dogs and bears and other cute fuzzy animals. This game includes a progression system that constantly unlocks new, exciting abilities like being able to run super fast or wall jump or double jump or turn into a bird or whatever, all of which unlock new areas to explore, and there are always new areas to explore. The gameplay loop is never repetitive and it always feels like I’m doing something for the first time forever. This game’s replayability is so high that there is no need to play any other game ever. Both playing and thinking about the game produces a nostalgic feeling that never dulls. This game captures my attention so completely that the urges to eat, drink, piss, and shit never occur to me and the problems of modern life seem to just melt away like nothing matters and I never once find myself sitting there controller in hand staring blankly at the screen thinking, “what the fuck am I doing with my life?”
This game does not exist.
And it never should.
This game has a robust character creator that lets me adjust not only my character's physical appearance in precise detail, making them look like David Bowie or Zooey Deschanel or some sort of goblin creature or whatever else, but also their personality, likes, dislikes, and every neurosis, all without being too complicated or time consuming. There are a number of races to choose from, all with their own unique perks that significantly alter how the game is played, and these races are neither derivative nor offensive. This game has a graphical style that can be toggled between photorealism, semi-realism, anime, cartoony, voxel, 3D, 2D, 2.5D, ASCII, watercolor-like, oil painting-like, polygonal, and non-Euclidean, or whatever aesthetic thing I happen to be into at the time, all through a UI that is both complex and simple to use while being minimalist to the point where I don't even notice it during gameplay. Everything is intuitive and I never once need to consult a GameFAQs walkthrough. This game has an open world that is incredibly vast but also streamlined in such a way that I don’t feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of places to go and things to do. There is the ability to fast travel but the world is so dynamic and beautiful that I never feel the need to do so. This game has NPCs that drop subtle hints about where to go next and how to complete quests in ways that make me feel like a genius when I figure them out. The box comes with a full-color paper manual explaining both the background story and mechanics of the game, and it also includes a dope-ass poster and stickers. This game has a class system with literally hundreds of options, none of which are frivolous or redundant, and I can create my own class by mixing and matching different attributes, from combat prowess to magical aptitude to social skills to whatever else I can think of, all without having to worry about min-maxing my stats because it just doesn't matter due to the fair and balanced combat difficulty which is just frustrating enough to feel rewarding no matter which build I play. There are no loot crates or microtransactions whatsoever. This game has a story that is both deep and shallow, both exciting and mellow, both coherent and incoherent, both unique and derivative, both philosophical and dumb as hell, and it all passes the Bechdel test. The lore is labyrinthine in its complexity while being neither pretentious nor confusing. Space can be traveled and other planets can be visited. The combat system can be toggled between real-time, turn-based, and tactical grid-based depending on my preference. This game has quests that go beyond simply "fetch ten bear pelts” or “kill this dude” or “walk here and interact with this thing.” The music is simply phenomenal, period. This game has multiplayer components that do not feel as if they were just tacked on last minute to check some boxes for a corporate focus group. There is no AI-generated content whatsoever. The controls are simple but allow for all sorts of crazy-as-fuck maneuvers that are both visually appealing and haptically satisfying. This game features supporting characters ranging from bishonen heartthrobs to awe-inspiringly cool anti-heroes to frog knights with swords to women who are not sex objects to cybernetic ninjas with severe psychological problems to wise Gandalf-esque wizards to cloak-wearing broody goths with guns to dope-ass villains who flip sides at the last minute to hardasses with hearts of gold to gender-fluid individuals who don't feel like token characters and even a humanoid monkey with an extending staff that rides on a cloud a la Wukong from Journey to the West, also Sephiroth because why the hell not. All of these characters can be tastefully romanced. This game presents me with tough ethical choices at key moments in the plot, and these choices change the way the story unfolds in profound ways, and there are literally thousands of these choices throughout the game, like some sprawling, encyclopedic choose-your-own-adventure novel, yet there is never this feeling like I fucked up or am going to get the bad ending or whatever. The fanbase is rabid but never gatekeepy or cringe. This game features a fully customizable player-housing system with which I can build anything I want, from Dracula’s castle to a lavish mansion with room to display all my treasures, of which there are many, to a run-down trailer meth lab to a tree-house-hideaway type thing to my grandma’s old house where I spent my childhood summers. The enemies range from monsters inspired by various ancient mythologies to CEOs of multinational for-profit health insurance companies to home appliances possessed by ghosts to democratically elected presidents who also happen to be fascists to nigh-omniscient beings like YHWH bent on resetting the universe because humanity has strayed from the divine path or whatever and of course good old-fashioned pirates and bandits and stuff, all of which can be reasoned with and pacified through peaceful discourse given my character has enough points in the Philosophy and Literacy skill trees. This game can be played on pretty much any device with zero performance issues. There is a companion system with which I can become best friends with dogs and bears and other cute fuzzy animals. This game includes a progression system that constantly unlocks new, exciting abilities like being able to run super fast or wall jump or double jump or turn into a bird or whatever, all of which unlock new areas to explore, and there are always new areas to explore. The gameplay loop is never repetitive and it always feels like I’m doing something for the first time forever. This game’s replayability is so high that there is no need to play any other game ever. Both playing and thinking about the game produces a nostalgic feeling that never dulls. This game captures my attention so completely that the urges to eat, drink, piss, and shit never occur to me and the problems of modern life seem to just melt away like nothing matters and I never once find myself sitting there controller in hand staring blankly at the screen thinking, “what the fuck am I doing with my life?”
This game does not exist.
And it never should.
